Your Bedroom Love Language Is the Secret to Better Sex—Here’s How To Find Out Yours

On a random night of scouring Netflix for something new, I came across Sex, Love & goop. The description immediately caught my eye: Courageous couples journey toward more pleasurable sex and deeper intimacy with help from Gwyneth Paltrow and a team of experts in this reality series. Because I promised myself I’d watch something out-of-the-box rather than binge-watching another season of The Vampire Diaries, I figured this voyage wouldn’t cause any harm. Little did I know, pressing play was an awakening I didn’t know I was due for.

Sex, Love & goop follows couples of different ages and sexualities navigating the bumps of sexual chemistry, dynamic issues, and more, and they don’t waste any time getting to the bottom of these intimate details in order to help these couples have better sex. In fact, the show starts with Paltrow happily relaying, “We’re having sex, it’s a show about sex, and we’re gonna talk about sex.”

We know that sexual (and emotional!) wants and needs vary in most relationships—one person might need the perfect moment to get in the mood, while the other could be ready to go after a short sensual warmup—which can cause some not-so-great sexual chemistry, or worse, none at all if each person doesn’t understand the others needs. This is where Miss Jaiya, a somatic sexologist and author of numerous books geared toward having more pleasurable and rewarding sex, comes to save the day. She explains on the show the concept of Erotic Blueprints (or what she likes to call “love languages for the bedroom”) and encourages each couple to experiment with different aspects of pleasure to have a better understanding of what it takes to have sex so incredible, you shed a tear—seriously, this happens in one of the episodes.

In my desperate need to understand my own Erotic Blueprint, have a tear-shedding orgasm, and share with you how you can have an experience so epic too, I did a deep dive on the topic, took the Erotic Blueprint quiz, and even interviewed Miss Jaiya.



What are Erotic Blueprints?

According to Miss Jaiya, Erotic Blueprints are “a powerful map to help you discover your unique form of arousal,” and in learning your own, you are given the “guidebook to all that is erotically possible.” If you’re riding solo, this is life-altering information that’ll assist in communicating and connecting with yourself to your unique style of pleasure, and if you’re with a partner, you’ll not only have the opportunity to tell them exactly what you need but understand their needs as well.

Just like with traditional love languages, not understanding each other’s blueprints can lead to confusion, and, in this case, sexual incompatibility. “As lovers, we often approach our partners in the way we like to be turned on and pleased. We mistakenly assume, ‘If this is what I like, that must be what will turn them on too.’ And this is where many relationships run into trouble in the bedroom and where discovering the pleasure of every Blueprint Type can bridge the sexual incompatibility divide,” explains Jaiya.

Knowing your Erotic Blueprint (and your partner’s) is an amazing way to have great sex and connect on a new level. This is because “learning to speak your lover’s language of turn-on allows you to meet their unique needs and fulfill their specific desires. The Blueprints give you the translation tools so you can begin to communicate clearly and experience a deeper connection and orgasmic satisfaction,” Jaiya adds.

Sex aside, learning about your own Erotic Blueprint can be a major game-changer for healing. For many of us, we’ve learned to feel sexual shame in ways that have manifested into our everyday lives. Kinky types may have felt isolated in their fantasies while Sensuals might try to ignore their love for things that may not constitute as “sex.” Learning your Erotic Blueprint is seriously the first step in learning the language your body has always spoken and the start to fulfilling everything you’ve always wanted in a sexual and non-sexual way.



What are the 5 Erotic Blueprints (aka the love languages for the bedroom)?

According to Jaiya, “We are all a blend of all five Erotic Blueprint Types. Our Primary Blueprint Type is our easiest pathway to pleasure and satisfaction. However, the other Blueprint expressions can add depth, color, and variety to our sexual play.” So, with that in mind, we are breaking down each of the Erotic Blueprints so you can gain a better understanding of your own as well as your partners.


1. Sensual

The Sensual blueprint is all about engaging the senses. In everyday life, they are probably really big on filling their space with textures, listening to music they “feel,” and surrounding themselves with beautiful scenery. During sex, they most likely enjoy massages, essential oils, and lots of lingering touches. Sensual blueprints can have full-body orgasms beyond a partner’s touch. A beautiful sunset or perfectly curated food can do it for them.


2. Sexual

The Sexual blueprint is described by Jaiya as “what we think of as sex in our culture.” These beings are turned on by porn, naked bodies, genitals, etc. Typically considered the easiest to please, this type is also known to have less shame about sex than other groups.

Because their view of sex is so focused on what society portrays as “normal,” they may be likely to think anything that doesn’t involve intercourse or penetration isn’t sex at all.


3. Energetic

Energetic types are known to have orgasms without touch. Crazy, right? They tend to feel more with less; yoga and meditation may be activities they turn to naturally. Some often find themselves craving the feel of longing, eye-gazing, or hovering touch.

It’s important to keep an open line of communication with Energetic blueprints because they can get overwhelmed easily by stimulation or underwhelmed by a lack of presence from their partner. 



4. Kinky

We’ve all heard the term kinky, but do you actually know what it means? The types are turned on by creativity and exploration; they’re aroused by the taboo. Oftentimes, these types can feel a sense of shame or repression in regard to their sexual desires because they may not view themselves as “normal.”

Out of all the types, besides the Shapeshifter, this type is known to have the most play. Some things they may enjoy are switching between dominant and submissive role-play, spanking, or introducing bondage toys. 


5. Shapeshifter

This erotically sophisticated blueprint can bounce between different types based on different partners or experience multiple blueprints all at once. Referred to as the “whole
smorgasbord” by Jaiya, this type is known to be an empathic lover, since they are able to adjust and feel all of the blueprints. 

Known for enjoying discovery, this type may be fond of layering different types of play, using different toys, and trying new trends in the realm of sex to constantly evolve their knowledge. 


How to get the most out of Erotic Blueprints—solo or with a partner

Knowing what to explore or how to explore our own pleasure can feel confusing, embarrassing, and even overwhelming, but when you learn what your needs, wants, and desires are through your Erotic Blueprint, you can accept who you are and open a whole new world of pleasure possibilities, as Jaiya explains. 

Whether you are single or having sex with a partner, start by exploring your own blueprint through solo sex. Jaiya says that “solo sex can be one of the best ways to learn your own body, without pressure, and build your understanding of what turns you on.” Once you do this, you can feel more empowered to ask for what you want, expand your pleasure vocabulary, and increase your erotic intelligence when you’re with a partner.

But don’t keep speaking your language of sexual satisfaction and ignore the differences in your partner’s blueprint and expect to have a great sex life. Once you become an expert on your own, start a conversation with your partner about theirs. Since we know it’s a vulnerable topic for some, we asked Jaiya to suggest some conversation starters and helpful tips for approaching this conversation:


Blame it on Miss Jaiya

Referencing Jaiya is quite possibly the most natural and easy way to bring up this conversation. She suggests saying something like, “I saw this woman Jaiya talking about the Erotic Blueprint Types. It got me curious, so I took her quiz and watched her on Netflix’s Sex, Love, & goop. I’d love for you to take the quiz to see what type you are and then maybe we can play around with what we discover.” From there, bring up the quiz, fill each other in on each other’s results, and get busy!


Approach the topic with vulnerability

Jaiya says that a good time to bring up this topic is outside of the bedroom and when they have time and attention for the conversation—if you’re not sure when that is, just ask! Then, when the time is right, “approach your lover with vulnerability and share with them your true desires for your relationship and your excitement to have an even better sex life,” says Jaiya. Explain that you’re interested in exploring and expanding how you are intimate with each other, and follow up with education about Erotic Blueprints. Make sure to communicate that this can help you both experience more pleasure and take this as an opportunity to be open and honest with your partner about your current sexual compatibility as well as how you can improve.


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